just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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