Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
