I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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