She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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