I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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