Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
