im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
