After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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