Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize