My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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