I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize