My hand turned me down
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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