Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
