i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
