Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
