morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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