a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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