Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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