Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize