Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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