The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
