Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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