my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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