Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
