I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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