I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I will be naked everywhere
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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