Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
