At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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