Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
