It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
