do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize