A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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