Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
