I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
