i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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