Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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