You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
