I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
