dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
