Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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