We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
