He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Your cock deserves a montage
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize