You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
