We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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