I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
