You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
