I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
