i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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