i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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