What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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