Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
