I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
