She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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