i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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