The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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