i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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