i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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