Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
