Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
