So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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